Trust, Faithlessness & Unbelief

Everyone has certain memories or perceptions of themselves; both past and present. Sometimes those memories/perceptions are accurate, sometimes they are less than accurate. For instance I like to recall myself as somewhat of a darling when I was a child. Though I lacked the adorable dimples and ringlets which my two siblings were blessed with, I had always considered my 'sweet' disposition the trade off, not necissarily one I was happy with, but a trade off none the less. When my siblings and I tease each other or rassle I am always the first to shout out 'Be nice to me, I'm the gentle one.' And it was during one of these moments where my now burly older brother was threatening to twist me into a pretzel that I shouted out my defence tatic, "Don't hurt me! I'm the gentle one!" That my mother took the time to remind me that I was never as sweet or gentle as my select memories led me to believe.

She brought me back to one occassion in particular where my 'sweetness' had devasting results. Are you familiar with the game called 'trust? It was a childhood favourite of mine. I think I savored the challenge of convincing another person to crawl upon the highest ledge I could find and then fall back into my scrawny eight year old arms. I mean if you could negociate someone on to that high of a ledge, you really had accomplished something. Now, in this particular forgotten memory the half-convinced particpant was my five year old sister. I had spoken with great eloquence that she could trust me and with all the the sweetness God gave me I promised I would absolutely, under no circumstances drop her. So picture the cutest child; with blonde riglets and dimples that could hold water (so obviously not me) standing on an impressivly high ledge. And underneath her, another blonde with stringy straight hair, a potbelly and skinny legs and arms discussing with her friend and accomplice, how these limbs were going to catch her trusting little sister - when in the midst of their conversation - "WHOMP" - The tiny ringlet child hits the ground -the 'sweet' child stares and her wheezing sister - and forces her to promise not to tell anyone. The ringlet tells and trust on both sides is lost....

Not exactly the actions of a child with a sweetheart disposition. And while I will save the indepth examination of my 'sweet' character for another time - this moment in my past did force me to ponder the subject of trust. My trust in myself, in others and most importantly God. I realized, that God has never negociated with me, not that I didn't try...He has never forced me anywhere with smooth words and He most definately has not dropped me. And yet to trust Him....fully, completely with every atom of my person - this task with great honesty is one that I struggle with.

Here are two quotes that came from a man named Peter Wolfe who preached last Sunday:

"Trust is a peaceful place."

and...

"Faithlessness is not unbelief, it is an unwillingness to trust."

Sometimes I weigh truth against my human expereince, my memories and perceptions which in many ways are skewed rather than my holy expereince which is always washed in grace and resonates with the truth with which I struggle to trust.

To Live Life Well

Throughout my entire life I have been acceptable but expendable - I wouldn't call myself a doormat by any means but I have certainly been a stepping stone; adequate, even necessary, but valued only until the next step up becomes available. In many, though not in all, of my relationships, friendships and family ties I am underscored - my stories are never finished because it doesn't occur to others to listen for their conclusion. My dreams and ambitions are damped by reminders of my many limitations. I smile politely and play the role of the 'punch line'. I am the do-gooder, the gopher and quite simply the nice girl.

During my holiday visit home I was hurt by three different people on three different occasions. And the reality is that I don't hold it against them, I doubt they are even aware that in their careless battering of words and/or actions they bruised me. And I have no intention of telling them because the hurt that I felt has spurred me towards a powerful realization. Tonight as I laid awake in my bed it occurred to me that I view myself through their eyes, I truly believe that I am acceptable, yet expendable. And THAT is simply not acceptable.

I have been evaluating life a great deal lately. I have spent this holiday watching how a disease(s) is changing a man I love dearly - as he ages, the life that he defines himself with and person that he is falls away. I am aware more than ever that the blood which flows through his veins in the same blood that flows through mine. I very well could find myself battling his battle in the years to come. Life then becomes a fragile treasure and I am struck with the momentous craving to live life well. I want to live life well - when I look back whether it is tomorrow, in ten years or in a life time I want to know that I lived life well. Frighteningly enough that begins with me...and nowhere in that ambitions thought is their room for acceptable, satisfactory, or passable.

The passion of my heart beats for people, when I hear their stories I am enthralled, overjoyed and thrown in to sorrow. When I hear their hurts I can almost feel it with my own body and my own heart. And yet somewhere in that I have lost myself - aside from people and my past few years ministering to them and with them I have lost my story. So, I suppose I am making a New Year's resolution, though it feels greater than that, I am going to spend some time getting to know myself this year.

This year I will seek to grow closer to God - not because I want to be a better Pastor for my congregation, but because God desires me on a personal level and I am desperate for Him on that same level. I am going to read Hemingway and Dickens because I love literature. I am going to cook, because the being by myself in a kitchen offers me a sense of serenity. I am going to write more - even if it scares me. I am going to breath deep and listen to the silence valuing the one person in my life who is impossible to evade - myself. And hopefully in this year to come I will gain some insight on what it means to live life well.