Throughout my entire life I have been acceptable but expendable - I wouldn't call myself a doormat by any means but I have certainly been a stepping stone; adequate, even necessary, but valued only until the next step up becomes available. In many, though not in all, of my relationships, friendships and family ties I am underscored - my stories are never finished because it doesn't occur to others to listen for their conclusion. My dreams and ambitions are damped by reminders of my many limitations. I smile politely and play the role of the 'punch line'. I am the do-gooder, the gopher and quite simply the nice girl.
During my holiday visit home I was hurt by three different people on three different occasions. And the reality is that I don't hold it against them, I doubt they are even aware that in their careless battering of words and/or actions they bruised me. And I have no intention of telling them because the hurt that I felt has spurred me towards a powerful realization. Tonight as I laid awake in my bed it occurred to me that I view myself through their eyes, I truly believe that I am acceptable, yet expendable. And THAT is simply not acceptable.
I have been evaluating life a great deal lately. I have spent this holiday watching how a disease(s) is changing a man I love dearly - as he ages, the life that he defines himself with and person that he is falls away. I am aware more than ever that the blood which flows through his veins in the same blood that flows through mine. I very well could find myself battling his battle in the years to come. Life then becomes a fragile treasure and I am struck with the momentous craving to live life well. I want to live life well - when I look back whether it is tomorrow, in ten years or in a life time I want to know that I lived life well. Frighteningly enough that begins with me...and nowhere in that ambitions thought is their room for acceptable, satisfactory, or passable.
The passion of my heart beats for people, when I hear their stories I am enthralled, overjoyed and thrown in to sorrow. When I hear their hurts I can almost feel it with my own body and my own heart. And yet somewhere in that I have lost myself - aside from people and my past few years ministering to them and with them I have lost my story. So, I suppose I am making a New Year's resolution, though it feels greater than that, I am going to spend some time getting to know myself this year.
This year I will seek to grow closer to God - not because I want to be a better Pastor for my congregation, but because God desires me on a personal level and I am desperate for Him on that same level. I am going to read Hemingway and Dickens because I love literature. I am going to cook, because the being by myself in a kitchen offers me a sense of serenity. I am going to write more - even if it scares me. I am going to breath deep and listen to the silence valuing the one person in my life who is impossible to evade - myself. And hopefully in this year to come I will gain some insight on what it means to live life well.
Monday, January 07, 2008
To Live Life Well
Posted by Erica R at 10:14 PM
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3 comments:
You are anything but expendable miss Ray. You are a treasure. Love reading your eloquent words. Thank for sharing.
Love love.
S.
I love it that you are looking upon your life and reflecting on what God is teaching you and who you want to become. I pray that this year you will allow the Potter to be at work in your life. That you feel find yourself and love who that person is. You have past hurts in family, etc. I am overjoyed at the thought of you working alongside Trever and Joan and and excited for you to feel a new sense of family with them.
You have the gift of compassion. One thing I realized in the fall of last year is that often those with that gift tend to get depressed and weighed down with the burdens of others. Every spiritual gift has something we need to be aware of too and watch out for.
Love ya!
Erica, I like you a lot! I also really find joy in reading your sincere, profound and very well written thoughts.
My thoughts of you sometimes include some very good and serene times in the kitchen (even when we were cooking for 25). Part of the pleasure of that experience is that we worked like an awesome precision machine! Hopefully we will have many more opportunities like that together.
Praying for you mi amiga.
LOVE JOAN
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