Trust, Faithlessness & Unbelief

Everyone has certain memories or perceptions of themselves; both past and present. Sometimes those memories/perceptions are accurate, sometimes they are less than accurate. For instance I like to recall myself as somewhat of a darling when I was a child. Though I lacked the adorable dimples and ringlets which my two siblings were blessed with, I had always considered my 'sweet' disposition the trade off, not necissarily one I was happy with, but a trade off none the less. When my siblings and I tease each other or rassle I am always the first to shout out 'Be nice to me, I'm the gentle one.' And it was during one of these moments where my now burly older brother was threatening to twist me into a pretzel that I shouted out my defence tatic, "Don't hurt me! I'm the gentle one!" That my mother took the time to remind me that I was never as sweet or gentle as my select memories led me to believe.

She brought me back to one occassion in particular where my 'sweetness' had devasting results. Are you familiar with the game called 'trust? It was a childhood favourite of mine. I think I savored the challenge of convincing another person to crawl upon the highest ledge I could find and then fall back into my scrawny eight year old arms. I mean if you could negociate someone on to that high of a ledge, you really had accomplished something. Now, in this particular forgotten memory the half-convinced particpant was my five year old sister. I had spoken with great eloquence that she could trust me and with all the the sweetness God gave me I promised I would absolutely, under no circumstances drop her. So picture the cutest child; with blonde riglets and dimples that could hold water (so obviously not me) standing on an impressivly high ledge. And underneath her, another blonde with stringy straight hair, a potbelly and skinny legs and arms discussing with her friend and accomplice, how these limbs were going to catch her trusting little sister - when in the midst of their conversation - "WHOMP" - The tiny ringlet child hits the ground -the 'sweet' child stares and her wheezing sister - and forces her to promise not to tell anyone. The ringlet tells and trust on both sides is lost....

Not exactly the actions of a child with a sweetheart disposition. And while I will save the indepth examination of my 'sweet' character for another time - this moment in my past did force me to ponder the subject of trust. My trust in myself, in others and most importantly God. I realized, that God has never negociated with me, not that I didn't try...He has never forced me anywhere with smooth words and He most definately has not dropped me. And yet to trust Him....fully, completely with every atom of my person - this task with great honesty is one that I struggle with.

Here are two quotes that came from a man named Peter Wolfe who preached last Sunday:

"Trust is a peaceful place."

and...

"Faithlessness is not unbelief, it is an unwillingness to trust."

Sometimes I weigh truth against my human expereince, my memories and perceptions which in many ways are skewed rather than my holy expereince which is always washed in grace and resonates with the truth with which I struggle to trust.