Today the sky cried...

Today the sky cried and so did I. This morning I walked out side to see an emotional horizon, grey and sentimental the sky above me slowly squeezed out one tear drop after another. I couldn't help but to join the drizzle.

I have been plagued with questions of self lately: Why am I here? Why am I discontent? Who exactly do I think I am? So often I feel like I am attempting to walk between two lives. The life of Christ, following Him, being obedient to Him alone. And the life of self. And, in my attempt to walk in between two lives, I have a forboding sense of loosing them both.

If I lost Jesus, I would die. I would cease to function, but my home, my old life and old dreams - they cling to me and I to them. The position of in between, in my tear filled eyes is the ultimate betrayal of both worlds. And as I sat miserably contemplating my hearts unfaithfulness I prayed words from Psalm 25:

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted..."

And Jesus answered me, what words did He have for me, His traitorous follower?

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"(II Cor. 12:9).

I don't understand grace - and I feel that I may never understand grace. So often I have looked at this verse, heard Paul's pleading words and assumed that this grace was limited to a 'thorn in the side' inflicted by the outside world - not a self inflicted thorn of weakness. I am the very thorn that inflicts me - I am sinful and selfish and utterly ruined. And yet, my God says to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." And Lord I am weak.

I am not sure how to wrap my brain around this; the very thorn that weakens me, my weak humaness makes God's power perfect. His Grace is beyond sufficient, it is extravagant. And as I process this, I continue to to slowly drizzle with my companion, the sky...we comfort one another as we let our tears fall on the world around us - it seems tears must fall so growth may continue...

Every Good and Perfect Gift

Today I sit and I write fully realizing this blog is completely off the radar - and I am ok with that. I will send my words into the vacuum of cyber space and cherish the catharsis.

One time I wrote that I wished I could have a space in my life that was like a deep, cup of tea. A time for reflection. A time for conversation. A time free of busyness. What a gift that would be? It sounds so perfect doesn't it? And yet whenever the opportunity arrose I would run from it. I would run from my cup of tea. I think because I knew that once I began to partake I would fall apart - and I do not fall apart well. As soon as the warmth of the cup was brought my lips I knew a drastic outpouring of emotion would result.

And if you look at my life - I have done a wonderful job of avoiding such times of refreshment and comfort. No tea for me - I have run from one demanding place to the other avoiding the tea. And with the multple layers and colours of this past summer in my wake I knew there was no way I could emotionally handle slowing down for that space, for that time, for that deep, cup of tea.

Yet, God and I often differ in our opinions and He has handed me the very thing I have been avoiding. Currently I am in a place where my resposibilities have been whittled down to a fraction of what they once were. And my time and attention have opened themselves up to the space God is calling me to.

And - today I finally caved. I took hold of the cup of tea God has offered me. I am entering this a time of richness. A time of warmth. A time of strong scents and smooth taste. A time of greiving. A time of prayer. A time of reflecting and self examination. A time of healing. A time of depth. A hard time - but a caring gift offered to me by my Father.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights who does not change...(James 1:17a)

Every good and perfect gift - even the hard ones....amen.