Today the sky cried and so did I. This morning I walked out side to see an emotional horizon, grey and sentimental the sky above me slowly squeezed out one tear drop after another. I couldn't help but to join the drizzle.
I have been plagued with questions of self lately: Why am I here? Why am I discontent? Who exactly do I think I am? So often I feel like I am attempting to walk between two lives. The life of Christ, following Him, being obedient to Him alone. And the life of self. And, in my attempt to walk in between two lives, I have a forboding sense of loosing them both.
If I lost Jesus, I would die. I would cease to function, but my home, my old life and old dreams - they cling to me and I to them. The position of in between, in my tear filled eyes is the ultimate betrayal of both worlds. And as I sat miserably contemplating my hearts unfaithfulness I prayed words from Psalm 25:
"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted..."
And Jesus answered me, what words did He have for me, His traitorous follower?
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"(II Cor. 12:9).
I don't understand grace - and I feel that I may never understand grace. So often I have looked at this verse, heard Paul's pleading words and assumed that this grace was limited to a 'thorn in the side' inflicted by the outside world - not a self inflicted thorn of weakness. I am the very thorn that inflicts me - I am sinful and selfish and utterly ruined. And yet, my God says to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." And Lord I am weak.
I am not sure how to wrap my brain around this; the very thorn that weakens me, my weak humaness makes God's power perfect. His Grace is beyond sufficient, it is extravagant. And as I process this, I continue to to slowly drizzle with my companion, the sky...we comfort one another as we let our tears fall on the world around us - it seems tears must fall so growth may continue...
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Today the sky cried...
Posted by Erica R at 11:23 AM
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6 comments:
Hi Erica.
Your thoughts are profound and so true. I don't understand grace either but boy am I thankful for it.
Haha.... hee.... I am SO glad on SO many different levels my beautiful name-sharing-friend.
I have prayed these realizations that you write about for SO long. As I am sure you have prayed for mine. Oh Erica... Oh Erica...
My heart longs to be with you today; to talk, to enjoy tea, to cry, to laugh, to get lost in some randomly small (yet freakishly large) town, to drive your car, to listen & to be listened to.
Be BLESSED today and daily my dear GUMPA.... I am praying for you!
Your thoughts amaze me.
hmmmm. thanks for that. i have to admit that i've been feeling much the same way as you described in your first 2 paragraphs, but i haven't gotten much further than that. that is, i've been wondering why i've been feeling discontented and out-of-sorts lately, but i just left it at that.
you've given me much to think about. thanks.
It is really quite strange how similar we are Erica. I have also been pondering why I am out in the forsaken land that is BC. Sadly enough, the double faced christian occurs far to often and I think is only remedied by a complete and utter death to self... something that I find is more difficult to do every time I attempt such a feat. Which also brings my grace problem close to yours.
The only thing I can encourage you with is the affirmation that a listening ear is extremely close by, with a ready invitation to a warm black drink.
You encourage me Erica, I know I've said it before... but you do.
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