Will I forget today in the span of eternity? - Yes.
Will I forget today in the span of my life? - Probably not.
Today I officially quit. I have never ever really quit anything in my entire life, well other than my brief attempt to master the guitar in an effort to impress a boy when I was 14.
I believe the term is resigned - but it feels like I quit. I quit with no clear idea where or what God is calling me to. I quit no plan and no money. I quit knowing that by quitting I am hurting those I have begun to love in the last year.
What does this really accomplish? What does anything I do really accomplish? I don't know - other than I am supposed to. (I think). Now, the struggle is on, there is a part in me who wants to just live for all my selfishness. It is so much easier to live within myself.
My soul tears under the weight of guilt and confusion. There is such a large part of my that longs to stop striving and pressing onward. I want to be content in a society that embraces cliches and finds guidance in the gods of the beautiful, rich and famous.
But I can't! The other part of me would hate myself if I could - maybe that part does already.
There is a part in me that longs to look the True and Holy God in the face and not turn away but smile. I want to love and not expect love in return. The part of me that longs hold hands, wipe tears and be 'Jesus'. And rightfully so - as that is the part of me Jesus has changed. It is just so minute compared to the rest of me. Minute and frightening!
What am I supposed to do? I don't know - I am hoping that if I stare into my mug of tea long enough I'll see it.
I think that is what this next year will be, a deep mug of tea. I need to do a few things.
- I need to learn how to pray again.
- I need to discipline my heart so it listens.
- I need to be silent.
- I need to be joyful.
- I need to minister with my being not with my position.
- I need to learn how to love without strings attached.
- I need to learn how to be loved without attaching strings.
- I need to find a hobby.
- I need to take some risks.
- I need courage.
- I need to sleep in the sun and not feel guilty.
- I need to rediscover my passions.
- I need to be a blessing because I have been blessed.
- I need to feed my soul without feeling guilty that I have food for it.
- I need to worry less and do more.
- I need to stop making pretense a priority.
- I need to go skidiving and learn to ride a horse.
- I need to break down my well crafted walls and be real for the first time in my life.
- I need you to pray for me.....
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Q-Day
Posted by Erica R at 2:47 PM
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8 comments:
I quit something yesterday... and it too feels very scary and is leaving me a little insecure and not sure I did the right thing; but knowing ultimately God will honour my heart. I know you might guess what it is, I'm sure we'll talk - but today I sat in the sun and don't feel guilty for it. Today I cried and knew it was OK to be doing it; today I am wearing flip flops, capris and am revelling in the feeling of being cold. Today I love you, and I don't expect anything in return - you are beautiful and courageous and anything but a "QUITTER."
Oh Erica Ray, If I know one thing about you, (other being so very elusive), it's that you put yourself entirely into whatever you do. Obviously I'm not too sure of the circumstances of your decision but I trust that God will use in big ways, even if it's not in this position. I could throw in something about inviting John and I over to your house next year but that would ruin my seriousness, so I won't.
ER,
Your boldness is beautiful, and encouraging, and exciting. I am excited and privileged and encouraged to lift you up in prayer as you take your sabbatical from formal "ministry". You are a minister without a title, and I am pumped already to hear your stories of interactions with the randoms of the world who don't know you as "pastor". I love you lots.
Sabrina
Erica - praying for you and for wisdom and grace to enfold you as you sit quietly with that deep mug.
Rick McC
Oh Erica, I will surely pray for you my beautiful friend. I kinda feel like I am going through the same thing as you are right now, my eyes filled with tears as I read what you wrote because I felt like you had wrote what was in my heart. Sometimes being obediant to God means that we have to make some painful decisions, even if it hurts like billy. I can't see what's to come, but my Father can, and that's what keeps me going, ya know? Much love friend.
Amber
Oh Erica Ray, dear sweet Erica Ray. your part about what you need to learn just gave me shivers and I love you very much. I will pray. That the goodness of Christ in you will be known to you. You are loved and tresured and valued because you are you, and it's that simple. God bless you my darling...
erica ray, you are beatiful and even though the list seems long and though it will never be accomplished be not discouraged. i do not want to offer a cliche but at times those cliches about God and His wisdom are true and the very thing that we need to cling to. there is still a purpose. love you.
Erica the beauty of your honesty has brought me to tears. Your love for God and Passion to serve in one simple post has inspired and refocussed me (and it looks like I am no where near the only one). It is obvious to me that you have simply resigned from/removed a title not your ministry! Your ministry has not stopped and will not because it doesn't have to. It seems to me that the choices you've made have been made with the tears of a true Christ follower. If this is true, then you did not quit your ministry. In fact you have done quite the opposite you have openned the door wider. Now comes the joy of not knowing what is next. How will the wave ride out? If you are following God's will (and I believe you are- despite not really knowing the situation) then you have also opened a huge door where your dreams WILL come true. So we wait - we wait to see how a loving God will CONTINUE to use His faithful servant. Be encouraged you are in the light. We're praying for you, your youth, and your church.
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