Beauty...

"To possess true beauty, we must be willing to suffer...if Christ himself was perfected through his sufferings, why would I believe God would not do the same with me? Women who are stunningly beautiful are women who have had their hearts enlarged by suffering. By saying, 'Yes' when the world says, 'No.' By paying the price of loving truly and honestly without demanding that they be loved in return. And by refusing to numb their pain in the myriad of ways available. They have come to know that when everyone and everything has left them, God is there. They have learned, along with David, that those who go through the desolate valley will find it a place of springs (Ps. 84:6)" (Eldridge).

Deep Breaths of Navy

There is nothing quite like my prarie sky - I know it may seem odd that I have claimed ownership of something so immeasurable, but I feel as though it truly is mine. There is something intimate between the vastness of its expanse and my heart, the way one lover simple knows and understands the other with one look - so too, my sky understands me.

Tonight I stood underneath it - an old, oversized, flannel jacket which belongs to my father wrapped around me. I stood and I looked into my sky, its enigmatic navy depth stared back at me, accentuated by small twinklings of light, stoic as I silently whispered my secrets.

Perhaps this is a form of prayer - I don't know. I am struggling with the truth that the more I strive to grasp ahold of God; the more intangible He becomes. In an strange way it seems to make sense that a Holy, boundless Creator would pour peace upon me through the serenity of my prairie sky.

I am not sure what I feel or am learning from God at this moment - but I do know that when the deep navy presses against me in the openess of the plains, I breathe it in. As deep and hard as I physically can - I breath - attmepting to lock the pure, cool comfort of the air into my soul.

And in those breaths every bit of the choas, joy and saddness - every pressing doubt and worry - is gently absorbed by my sky. They are put into the perspective of a greater timeline. There is nothing quite like my prairie sky.

A 'new' thought

I have a new thought. And reader beware, it is not just any old 'new' thought. This thought is quite substantial. It is a big, wild, scary new thought. This new thought completely amazes me, it fits in my brain like a perfect puzzle piece, and no amount of over looking or ignoring seems to be dislodging it. I find my new thought - well, terrifying. It is the type of thought I feel will be shut down, and/or swept under the rug by others and so with my emotionally stunted logic, I am attempting to shut it down and/or sweep it under the rug before anyone else can.

But today - casually as I was doing dishes the new thought started to make noise inside its perfectly fitted place in the back of my brain. The more I ignored new thought, the louder it became. So I did the unthinkable - the unwise, I spent some time pondering the new thought. I thought about it, I turned it to the left, to the right, even upside down. And in this small amount of time new thought started to grow. It grew and grew until I realized new thought had worked its way down into my heart. And this can only mean one thing - trouble.

Really, the truth about this new thought is it is daring and fragile all at the same time. It requires both courage and humility - two things which I am usually in want of. But, whenever I dare to think about this new thought, it makes my heart race, my blood pumps a little faster, my stomach dances with butterflies. This new thought tickles my soul.

And thats it. That is as far as I am with new thought. My dishes are still dripping in the sink. I am not sure if I should take this wonderfully frightening new thought and hide it under my pillow - only to be thought of in the darkness of a sleepless night. Or if I should ponder it some more and let it grow into some sort of action within me.

I don't know - I know what I would tell others in this situation - but I am not others, I am me. And personal advice from your own person never seems to have the same effect.

So I will leave now, possibly to wrestle with new thought and finish those dishes...

***

There are minutes which last for hours,

where have I been - - where did I go...
I am running
not along side, but alone

I called you and you didn't know my name
I wasn't yours
I was mine

And in truth I wonder if hurt is undoable
there is hurt, and there is harm...one heals and one endures
how can one so insignificant wound one so great

I called you and you didn't know my name
I wasn't yours
I was mine.

There are minute which last for hours

****

Have you ever traveled a familiar path and forgotten how you arrived at your destination? You arrived, and in one peice none the less, but you can't remember driving past the bend in the road, the sign post which you know by heart seems to have completely escaped you today. You tap the break, look around you and have no idea how you have gotten where you have gotten--but you are here, in that familiar place yet again.

That is where I am today - - my arrival is obvious, I just don't remember getting here.

Who exactly do I think I am?

I have been considering my life in the light of true lordship (what ever that may look like) and am always surprised at my sense of entitlement and pride. Who exactly to I think I am???

The apostle Paul's words spoke to my wounded and prideful spirit this morning:

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everthing a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I might gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings become like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do Forgetting what is behind and strainging toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Sigh, I have quite a long journey ahead of me.

Trust, Faithlessness & Unbelief

Everyone has certain memories or perceptions of themselves; both past and present. Sometimes those memories/perceptions are accurate, sometimes they are less than accurate. For instance I like to recall myself as somewhat of a darling when I was a child. Though I lacked the adorable dimples and ringlets which my two siblings were blessed with, I had always considered my 'sweet' disposition the trade off, not necissarily one I was happy with, but a trade off none the less. When my siblings and I tease each other or rassle I am always the first to shout out 'Be nice to me, I'm the gentle one.' And it was during one of these moments where my now burly older brother was threatening to twist me into a pretzel that I shouted out my defence tatic, "Don't hurt me! I'm the gentle one!" That my mother took the time to remind me that I was never as sweet or gentle as my select memories led me to believe.

She brought me back to one occassion in particular where my 'sweetness' had devasting results. Are you familiar with the game called 'trust? It was a childhood favourite of mine. I think I savored the challenge of convincing another person to crawl upon the highest ledge I could find and then fall back into my scrawny eight year old arms. I mean if you could negociate someone on to that high of a ledge, you really had accomplished something. Now, in this particular forgotten memory the half-convinced particpant was my five year old sister. I had spoken with great eloquence that she could trust me and with all the the sweetness God gave me I promised I would absolutely, under no circumstances drop her. So picture the cutest child; with blonde riglets and dimples that could hold water (so obviously not me) standing on an impressivly high ledge. And underneath her, another blonde with stringy straight hair, a potbelly and skinny legs and arms discussing with her friend and accomplice, how these limbs were going to catch her trusting little sister - when in the midst of their conversation - "WHOMP" - The tiny ringlet child hits the ground -the 'sweet' child stares and her wheezing sister - and forces her to promise not to tell anyone. The ringlet tells and trust on both sides is lost....

Not exactly the actions of a child with a sweetheart disposition. And while I will save the indepth examination of my 'sweet' character for another time - this moment in my past did force me to ponder the subject of trust. My trust in myself, in others and most importantly God. I realized, that God has never negociated with me, not that I didn't try...He has never forced me anywhere with smooth words and He most definately has not dropped me. And yet to trust Him....fully, completely with every atom of my person - this task with great honesty is one that I struggle with.

Here are two quotes that came from a man named Peter Wolfe who preached last Sunday:

"Trust is a peaceful place."

and...

"Faithlessness is not unbelief, it is an unwillingness to trust."

Sometimes I weigh truth against my human expereince, my memories and perceptions which in many ways are skewed rather than my holy expereince which is always washed in grace and resonates with the truth with which I struggle to trust.

To Live Life Well

Throughout my entire life I have been acceptable but expendable - I wouldn't call myself a doormat by any means but I have certainly been a stepping stone; adequate, even necessary, but valued only until the next step up becomes available. In many, though not in all, of my relationships, friendships and family ties I am underscored - my stories are never finished because it doesn't occur to others to listen for their conclusion. My dreams and ambitions are damped by reminders of my many limitations. I smile politely and play the role of the 'punch line'. I am the do-gooder, the gopher and quite simply the nice girl.

During my holiday visit home I was hurt by three different people on three different occasions. And the reality is that I don't hold it against them, I doubt they are even aware that in their careless battering of words and/or actions they bruised me. And I have no intention of telling them because the hurt that I felt has spurred me towards a powerful realization. Tonight as I laid awake in my bed it occurred to me that I view myself through their eyes, I truly believe that I am acceptable, yet expendable. And THAT is simply not acceptable.

I have been evaluating life a great deal lately. I have spent this holiday watching how a disease(s) is changing a man I love dearly - as he ages, the life that he defines himself with and person that he is falls away. I am aware more than ever that the blood which flows through his veins in the same blood that flows through mine. I very well could find myself battling his battle in the years to come. Life then becomes a fragile treasure and I am struck with the momentous craving to live life well. I want to live life well - when I look back whether it is tomorrow, in ten years or in a life time I want to know that I lived life well. Frighteningly enough that begins with me...and nowhere in that ambitions thought is their room for acceptable, satisfactory, or passable.

The passion of my heart beats for people, when I hear their stories I am enthralled, overjoyed and thrown in to sorrow. When I hear their hurts I can almost feel it with my own body and my own heart. And yet somewhere in that I have lost myself - aside from people and my past few years ministering to them and with them I have lost my story. So, I suppose I am making a New Year's resolution, though it feels greater than that, I am going to spend some time getting to know myself this year.

This year I will seek to grow closer to God - not because I want to be a better Pastor for my congregation, but because God desires me on a personal level and I am desperate for Him on that same level. I am going to read Hemingway and Dickens because I love literature. I am going to cook, because the being by myself in a kitchen offers me a sense of serenity. I am going to write more - even if it scares me. I am going to breath deep and listen to the silence valuing the one person in my life who is impossible to evade - myself. And hopefully in this year to come I will gain some insight on what it means to live life well.