Super Erica - um... Not Quite

It is not my job to save the world.

I keep telling myself this as I sit in my office chair trying to discover new and exciting ways to spin. (On a side note: it really is a fun chair). You see I am easily worked up - poverty, crime, injustice, Bob Rae becoming a Liberal...

I often lay awake at night upset because I have luxury of both a blanket and a pillow. Am I a petulant, ungrateful child ... Or am I spoiled and should be burdened by the plight of those who are living lives of extreme hardship?

There are children in Thailand who are sold into the sex slave trade with no hope of ever tasting freedom. In Northern Uganda families are being slaughtered by their own youth who were captured and turned into child soldiers for guerilla warfare. People are starving to the point of eating sand just to ease thier hunger pain. Even in Saskatchewan our poverty rate is rising at an alarming pace rivaled only by our declining literacy rate. declining literacy in 2006!

Awareness without action is useless.

And yet at the same time - I am not the savior of the world. I am aware that this isn't rocket science. But I have to learn to trust that God does have a plan for the poor and persecuted. God's plan however in no way relieves us of our responsibility to reach out and care for them I need to re-realize, HE IS THE SAVIOR of the world - physically, spiritually and emotionally - not I.

In the midst of pondering all of this I feel convicted to pray. 'Pray?' I asked God. My respose was, 'Well I would God, but I don't know them personally. And thier hearts and I ... uh.... well - um.... OK - I'll pray."

Awareness without action is useless.

So here is me taking action and starting to pray.

Being Beautiful

Beauty. Beauty is something that everyone is aware of. It is magnetic, we are drawn to it. And being a woman I think I strive for beauty more that a man would. As a woman I was created to be beautiful because females are created in the image of God to reflect Him uniquely. (Much like men reflect God's image uniquely).

To see God would be to see the culmination of all beauty in the entire universe. Take a moment and imagine the greatness of such beauty!

Yet, as a woman I struggle to see the beauty God has created in me. I not only struggle but am shocked when people see it and tell me about it. (WHAT! Beauty, me?)

There are times, however, when I see it for a moment, it is fleeting and soon forgotten but sometimes if I look quickly I can cat a glimpse of it. And now more than ever God is showing me when I am being beautiful, not looking beautiful.

If God is the ultimate of all things beautiful it would make sense that the closer we are to being godly the more beautiful we become. ahhh, beauty can be so confusing.

Being beautiful is also often misunderstood by us fair females, we exchange being beautiful for doing beautiful. I try to do beautiful all the time, which results in a white washed tomb of a soul and complete exhaustion!

There is so much pressure to do beautiful. Right now my house needs cleaning, there is work waiting for me in the office, I have phone calls to make but I am sitting on my deck waiting for Jesus to come and make me beautiful.

My life right now, at this exact moment has become amazingly simple. As of the end of June I have no job. As of today I have no plan.

And Jesus loves me.

And I feel beautiful.

I am not doing anything - I am just being...

Q-Day

Will I forget today in the span of eternity? - Yes.

Will I forget today in the span of my life? - Probably not.

Today I officially quit. I have never ever really quit anything in my entire life, well other than my brief attempt to master the guitar in an effort to impress a boy when I was 14.

I believe the term is resigned - but it feels like I quit. I quit with no clear idea where or what God is calling me to. I quit no plan and no money. I quit knowing that by quitting I am hurting those I have begun to love in the last year.

What does this really accomplish? What does anything I do really accomplish? I don't know - other than I am supposed to. (I think). Now, the struggle is on, there is a part in me who wants to just live for all my selfishness. It is so much easier to live within myself.

My soul tears under the weight of guilt and confusion. There is such a large part of my that longs to stop striving and pressing onward. I want to be content in a society that embraces cliches and finds guidance in the gods of the beautiful, rich and famous.

But I can't! The other part of me would hate myself if I could - maybe that part does already.

There is a part in me that longs to look the True and Holy God in the face and not turn away but smile. I want to love and not expect love in return. The part of me that longs hold hands, wipe tears and be 'Jesus'. And rightfully so - as that is the part of me Jesus has changed. It is just so minute compared to the rest of me. Minute and frightening!

What am I supposed to do? I don't know - I am hoping that if I stare into my mug of tea long enough I'll see it.

I think that is what this next year will be, a deep mug of tea. I need to do a few things.

- I need to learn how to pray again.
- I need to discipline my heart so it listens.
- I need to be silent.
- I need to be joyful.
- I need to minister with my being not with my position.
- I need to learn how to love without strings attached.
- I need to learn how to be loved without attaching strings.
- I need to find a hobby.
- I need to take some risks.
- I need courage.
- I need to sleep in the sun and not feel guilty.
- I need to rediscover my passions.
- I need to be a blessing because I have been blessed.
- I need to feed my soul without feeling guilty that I have food for it.
- I need to worry less and do more.
- I need to stop making pretense a priority.
- I need to go skidiving and learn to ride a horse.
- I need to break down my well crafted walls and be real for the first time in my life.
- I need you to pray for me.....