When is doing the right thing not right?

"Strive not to become a person of success, but rather a person of value"

A new mantra which is helping me stick to my guns right now. God calls us to things - to do things where it may appear to those of the world and even, those of the Christian community to be the most stupid, wussy, unsuccessful choice - but it is the value of the choice that God seeks.

I know this doesn't make any sense, but today I took a huge step backwards - and a huge step forwards at the same time. My stomach is still in knots and I think I have washed away my face with tears but it is something that God is leading me toward.

I just need to remind myself that becoming a godly woman may never line up with what other people have planned or dreamed for me. I need to be ok with them not being ok - and that my friends is not easy for a people pleaser.

This may be nothing more than veiled nonsense to anyone who reads it - but it felt good to write. Thank you for listening.

I am a dreamer ... Am I a dreamer?

When I was a little girl I loved to ride in the car. I loved to be with my family and just sit with one another. I loved to gaze out the window and let my mind wander and my heart dream. I was so full of dreams that in an unguarded moment you could have probably seen them dancing in my eyes. In my dreams I could do anything. I could be anything - and in the window seat of our ford I believed them, I believed in myself.

I still have dreams you know, that is why I still like riding in cars and will often hand the keys over when given the chance. But I am different now - I will never let my eyes become unguarded and allow you to really see them. I am sorry for that, but it is the truth. They are now my sacred fantasies. Dreams are attainable - fantasies are whimsical nonsense to be pushed aside when reality pulls us out of our stolen moments. That is the adult in me talking. Talking good, strong sense...

I once was briefly mentored by a man who told me dreams are sketches of God's purpose in our lives. No dream is trivial because any true dream was put in us by God. And yet, it is so hard! I have responsibilities, people - things I do affect people and longer I live on this planet the more people I will affect. I can't just stop what I am doing and go run after dreams. Can I? Tell me I can....

I don't know - I am writing this in a state of confusion, a place I find myself in more often than I would like to admit. I am going to go to bed in a few minutes, and tomorrow I will smile and be nice. But in those few minutes between here and there where I find myself in the seat of a car - I will dream my secret dreams. And try to see the line between a dream and a fantasy -

"I drink enough of this stuff to deserve a RAV4 and they can't even give me a freakin' cookie!"

I think I have a problem. (Now to some of you this may not come as a surprise but more as stating the obvious) - However, this morning I had to face the truth, I have an addiction to Rolling up the Rim. At 9:17, when I rolled up my rim to find another irritatingly polite shut down 'Please Play Again' - I couldn't take it anymore; the constant rejection got to me and I literally shouted 'I drink enough of this stuff to deserve a RAV4 and they can't even give me a freakin' cookie.'

Now it never occurred to me that I was causing a great amount of a commotion until I turned to see Pastor Barry, our senior Pastor and Donna our secretary peering cautiously towards my open door. (Note to self if ever feel the need to shout in utter desperation and frustration - shut office door). I just need a RAV4, I would graciously take the $1000, but lets be honest I'm in it for the vehicle.

That is how twistedly selfish I am - forget that in a month my daily (now 3 time daily coffees) could support the health and education of a child for an entire month - possibly two. OK three! I need a RAV4 - sometimes I disgust myself.

Aside from that self-realization I preached on Sunday. Preaching always humbles me to the lowest level - I guess that is one of the reason I love it so much. I preached on the importance of scheduling our lives around the priority of God and His desires for us, rather than simply scheduling Him in. It was good but I need to seriously re-evaluate my time. Preaching teaches me one thing - I am a walking talking hypocrite. But I am aware of it, does that count for something?

It's nice to a have God give us reality checks...Usually I need a reality beating but hey, each to their own.

A Sunshine Day

Today was wonderful! Truly - I took the afternoon and spent it with one of my most favourite people in the entire world! My little Sister....awwww. It was so good just to take some time to laugh and dance in walmart.

Adrienne, my sister and I were tourists today. We took corny pictures of ourselves (as seen above), ate at a cute, over-priced tea house, went boutique shopping and talked each other into spending more money than we had.

This last little while I have been stressed out in everyway and I have forgotten how much joy can come from singing in the car to a song you don't know or jumping in puddles.

To further my point, today as we were walking we came across a little boy, who I'll call Earl. Earl was about 4 years old and was walking with his toque over his eyes, singing to himself and from just below the rim of that helmet of a hat was watching his feet squish the slush. Earl knew how to have a good time.

My new goal is to be more like Earl, excuse me while I go and buy myself a toque.